So as we negotiate this rocky path, I am finding myself befuddled and tearful. I feel like I have a tight fist around my heart. I believe strongly that we are on the right path and that I have made good decisions, but there is a jarring discordance. I came to the realization that I am grieving this new twist and the loss of options. My choices are both bad; one is less bad. I can place Rob in a facility where they will drug him into submission (understandably so) or I can do the same at home. At home, I can monitor him and love him and perhaps have some interaction but in order to keep him and us safe, we have to keep him calm. To watch him in this medicated lethargy is breaking my heart. I have to remind myself that I have almost 40 years of knowing him and I can see his distress at a glance. I know he would go crazy at a facility and would choose home but would honestly choose death over this slow decline